Author Archives: Rhonda J. Smith

Pride is a Mother

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Pride is a mother, and if you don’t disown her you will forever be a momma’s girl with “no ugly friends.” This is the conclusion I came to years after one of my closest friends reported to us, her girls, that she told a relative “I don’t have no ugly friends.” This was about 15 years ago when we were young, fly and high on ourselves. Though I wasn’t the one to say it, the glory of having attractive friends remained in my heart. I thought of what made them cute: genetics played a big part, and then their hair, clothes, makeup and other assets added to their beauty. And they were fun to be around, but I never attributed this to their beauty. Nor did I count their wit, intelligence, kindheartedness or “breaking their back” for you style to their beauty. Now, I always recognized my sisters’ internal qualities, but these weren’t foremost in my mind. I never considered myself shallow. But after my friend made the “no ugly friends” comment, I found myself internalizing it when I was with them. When we went out, I found myself smiling a bit more, sticking my chest out and looking around to see who was looking at us. We had careers, cars, clothes, and nice homes, and we looked good. I was proud.

As I reflect on how I felt, I realize that I was being shallow, though never blatantly so. But does it matter that my friendship pride wasn’t blatant? Isn’t what matters is that I was prideful at all? I thank God that He transformed me to look more at people’s inner beauty that seemed to give them so much outer beauty. I don’t remember exactly when this began in me, but about 10 years ago I met a stay-at-home mom, with a crisp and clean outdated dress, neat home-styled hair and a peaceful smile that said “I am content.” She may not have looked the strong black woman part, but she walked it because she was sure about herself, and it wasn’t because of her outward appearance. She knew that she was beautiful and she beamed it so (1 Peter 3:3-5).

After meeting her was when I knew I wanted to be different, not dress or wear my hair like hers, but to act like her in spite of my clothes and hair. I wanted to greater emphasize the eternal and not the external and get my friends to do the same. The road is still a challenge as I seek to disown pride, become a Daddy’s girl and rejoice in my friends no matter how they look. The big switch truly is easier as I seek to let Christ reign in and shine through me.

An Extraordinary Life

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“You can’t achieve the extraordinary if you don’t attempt the extraordinary.”
—Pastor Phillip C. Carr

Yesterday at church, my leadership development pastor, Phillip Carr, challenged the congregation to be extraordinary Christians. He said many of us fight more for the ordinary life we lead instead of the extraordinary life that Jesus Christ means for us to have (1 Peter 1:3; John 10:10). I so related to this, with my recovering judgmental self. You know that trifling, lazy people bother me. And those of us who have the Spirit of Christ have no excuse. So as a high achiever, I was in the amen corner yesterday but felt myself shrinking a bit when he talked about those who are satisfied with our achievements just because they may be better than someone with low standards. Though I’m not prone to compare myself to a low achiever, I find myself—from the pressure of being a strong black woman—settling for that’ll do because what I’ve done is better than most and not so bad for me, and I have a whole bunch more to get done. I was going to do that today, by posting a piece that I really want you to read, but it’s not quite finished yet. But I decided to be extraordinary, better than average, and allow God to use me in that piece. So today I just want you to ponder “An extraordinary Christian is an ordinary Christian who has allowed God to have His way in (her) life” (Pastor Carr). And ask yourself (and tell me in the comments section), “Am I being an extraordinary Christian?”

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

More Signs of Pride

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Okay, just a few more. These six just seemed to have begged to be put on a list. I’m sure I have missed some signs of pride, but these I couldn’t let go:
1. You expect people to cater to you.
2. You gloat about you.
3. You don’t forgive.
4. You must be #1 all the time.
5. You have to have the last word.
6. You stand by your word, even when you know you’re wrong.

15 Signs of Pride

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If any of the following describes you, you might be dealing with pride:

    1. You don’t like to apologize.
    2. You don’t apologize.
    3. Your apology is “I’m sorry you feel bad.”
    4. You hold grudges.
    5. You envy what others have.
    6. You compete for the attention others get.
    7. You don’t like to give compliments.
    8. Your compliment to another woman is “Oh, I have one just like that.”
    9. You compare your achievements to others’ achievements (e.g., I used to be able to do that).
    10. You compare your failures to others’ failures (e.g., At least I’m not as bad as …).
    11. You belittle someone’s accomplishment (e.g., I remember when you used to be wild or I remember when we used to hang out together at Charger’s Bar).
    12. You don’t ask for help.
    13. You reject the help given to you.
    14. You don’t like to admit when you don’t know something (e.g., the meaning of a word someone uses or the name of someone you see all the time)
    15. You don’t leave the house (or have an attitude when you do) because you’re not perfectly put together (e.g., You refuse to wear sandals if your toenails aren’t polished).

Long Hair War

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The following is a comment from one of my readers that I thought was too poignant to just remain in the comment section. It is today’s post. Please give her your feedback and let’s keep the dialogue going.

By Nicole “Nikki” Parker

Nicole Parker used to struggle with women hatin' on her for having long, fine hair. Through Christ, she has been set free!

Nicole Parker used to struggle with women hatin' on her for having long, fine hair. Through Christ, she has been set free!


My hair wars are sort of different, to an extent. I always had long hair. I have fine, thin hair that grows like wildflowers. I didn’t have confidence in my hair. Quite the opposite. Though my hair is fine, I permed (relaxed) it to fit in, and I cut it to make it less obvious that it’s long. I didn’t understand how my hair had anything to do with who I was and so in turn I felt if I walked in a room I should naturally apologize for my long hair, what most people would call “white girl hair.” After I got over the perm pressures about 10 years ago, my hair grew healthier and longer and I would get the same “OMG” and “How long and pretty your hair is” looks and comments. These comments made me feel uncomfortable because the tone wasn’t “You really have nice hair”; they were more like, “I wish I had your hair and you MUST think you’re all that.” So about five years ago for every summer thereafter I would cut my hair to my neck in a bob and that would keep the comments to a minimum except for the initial shock that I even had the nerve to cut off “all that pretty hair.” I never appreciated the hair God gave me because I wasn’t secure in who I was in Him.

I realized my insecurity had nothing to do with my hair, just how I felt about it and what I was trained to believe growing up: that hair somehow defines me and puts me in a typical stereotype of light skinned/long haired females have no depth and are superficial. That is the complete opposite of who I am, NOW, anyway, because people will have you thinking one thing about yourself so much, YOU start to believe it! But when God showed me I can’t take credit for anything, especially the length or grade of my hair, I seriously I had to get a grip and help other women realize that the outer appearance is not even worth mentioning if our hearts aren’t right before God. The battle continues because women are always looking at the next woman to compare themselves to, and it’s not necessary because our eyes should be on Christ alone and then and only then can we accept who we are and that our physical man, including hair, is just clay.

We represent Christ so I’m not suggesting we don’t take care of what He has given us. However, I am saying as women of God we should seek first Him and he’ll take care of everything else. He’ll teach us how to carry ourselves in modesty. He’ll teach us how to be sensitive to others who have not had the revelation yet that the inner man is far more valuable than the outer man. He’ll tell us through the Holy Spirit when we’re tripping and going too far or not far enough. He’s a God that is involved! So with that in mind I can walk around with all of my “long pretty hair” and not feel like apologizing but smiling, representing that the old stereotypes are dead to me because my Daddy told me to love what He created in me and every woman I see with locks, press and curl, fade, bob, waist length, shoulder length, long and flowing, tight curls, afros, etc. It doesn’t matter to Him; it’s our heart he’s after!