From the time we were little, babies even, we little black girls in a white male world were groomed to be strong black women and given the baggage that comes along with it: you are black and female, a double minority, so you have to work twice as hard to be considered half as good. But we didn’t want to be considered half as good. We wanted to be just as good, better, than they, white people, who caused our bags to be so heavy. We wanted to chuck the bags, but being a strong black woman required that we carry top-notch degrees, a stellar house, car and job, and lots of money. We sought a man who, too, could live up to these standards, but sometimes the chase was a waste of everybody’s time. One slip from the list and the man no longer had our attention, no matter how invested we were. This is what happens with vain pursuits, when excellence becomes the god we try to appease with temporal things and impressing people who don’t care anything about us anyway.
I got a clue about this after two degrees, a comfortable house, car and job, lots of money and a string of unfulfilled relationships, male carcasses lining my memory. I was filled with death, empty, and the excellence god was not appeased. On bended knee and an eye toward grace I prayed that God would give me exactly what I needed, including a man, since I didn’t know how to pick them anyway. My love for thugs and losing stats for bougie brothers left me leaning into some real worship. My nights left me lonely and some days I wondered what God had in store for me. When I got tired of the tears and feeling inferior to women with men, I welcomed God’s timetable and what He had to offer me. Within a few months of learning peace, God sent me a man of great peace, Flynn Andre Smith.
Flynn was no thug, had no love for bougie pursuits, made decent, but not a whole lot of loot, but I liked him and he liked me. We met doing business but wanted our next encounter to be personal and for more than a decade his love has been very personal. He knows my thoughts; caters to my wants; gives me whatever thoughtful things he wants for me; guides me to receive what I need; lovingly raises our sons to be men; plays and laughs with them and me; and covers me. He is God-fearing, nourishes and cherishes me and I delight in his presence, wait for his entrance, thank God for his existence and today being my husband for 13 years. I am grateful indeed, that God squelched my girly pursuits and gave me Godly woman dreams! Only God can change a love for thugs and bougie brothers to give you the man that you need.
Flynn & our boys at Veggie Tales Live 2010
My One Thousand Gifts List
#171-180
Taking the youngest two to the library
The restored and upgraded Parkman Branch Library
Two nice libraries close to my home
Leftovers
Clean and running water
Snacks for the kids
Joshua and Nate playing outside
Tabitha watching Nate and Justus so I could attend Joshua’s honors program
Joshua receiving two awards for scholarship
Supporting Joshua at his program
