Give ‘Em a Break

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What Do You Think? Wednesday
Yesterday I took a break. I didn’t educate the children or cook and I talked a long time to one of my best girlfriends. I decided to just do it, after thinking about it and then my son asking if he could have the day off. I’m so glad I did. I didn’t know my mom would have a friend come pick her up to get out of the house so I didn’t have to see that she got her lunch, dinner or early evening medication. Apart from leading a counseling session with my husband and getting the boys from the sitter’s, I had a day off. Days like this don’t come easily. We have to just take them sometimes, especially as recovering strong black women.

As recovering strong black women, people still don’t often expect that we need a break or that we need anything, sometimes including a mad love affair. Of course, as a Bible-believing Christian that doesn’t believe in fornication or adultery, I am speaking of the sexual fidelity kind. I’m speaking of a love where attraction is mutual, one of mind and heart, simple and complex sacrifices and quiet enjoyment, just sitting. This seems to be the type of love, except for the post-marital consummation part, that Olivia Pope and Fitzgerald Grant have on the new ABC hit drama Scandal. For those of you who didn’t watch Scandal, whose season finale was last week, I can tell you this not-so-secret aspect of the show: Pope (played by Kerry Washington), a smart, compassionate and politically savvy black woman who is a “fixer,” is having an affair with Grant (played by Tony Goldwyn), the idealistic married white male president of the United States and a philanderer. Though her passion is deep, Pope (whose character is based on the real life Judy Smith*, who is a fixer A.K.A. a crisis management expert) knows that abandoning the notion of a happy-ever-after life with the president is the best fix for the nation, for the free world and, by extension, for her. So, as a good fixer does, she abandons her desire and saves the day for all.

This show is well-written with complex characters and storylines so it’s hard for me to easily place Pope into traditional black women stereotypes as easily as the writer who compared Pope to Thomas Jefferson’s widely believed black slave mistress Sally Hemmings. Pope—the go-to woman—is smart, savvy, tough, compassionate, pretty and a sharp dresser with class, though that class is compromised with her adulterous affair. But her affair and her crying after making a rule for her staff not to cry are two of the main reasons that I like her; these weaknesses (for a lack of a better term because I think crying is a human’s most cathartic weapon) show she is real, can be real outside of Thursday nights on ABC. For her realness, displaying a gamut of emotions, strengths and weaknesses, I believe, for the most part, Pope transcends the stereotypes and offers a character to which many recovering strong black women, or any go-to women, can relate.

Though Pope is well put together, she still has love she can’t pursue. She’s no asexual mammy, snap-back-atcha sapphire or sleezy jezebel, but she is a career successful woman without a love to call her own. This is no stereotype but is the reality of many successful black women and another aspect that makes Pope’s character real. Some may look at race—that of Pope’s and Grant’s—and slap on the stereotypes, but I’m giving the Scandal writers what I gave myself yesterday—a break. Perhaps Pope’s end will be different from her beginning. The writers will determine that and they just may steer Pope further away from age-old stereotypes. The writer of my life—God Himself—created my story where I have been released from manmade bondages. I just have to follow His script (Ephesians 2:4-5, 10, Jeremiah 29:11).

Whether you watched Scandal or not, please tell me what you think.

*Note: Judy Smith didn’t have an affair with a US President.

Cool v. Consecrated

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Recovering strong black women have great burdens to shake, arguably the heaviest among them is making sure that everyone—family, friends, co-workers, bosses and underlings—is okay, that each feels and looks ok, and not only that those folks are okay but that others think those folks are okay, too. I think we feel this burden the most with our children, whether biological or spiritual. We want them to feel good about themselves, help them look good and teach them skills so they feel good about themselves and so that others feel good about them too. We just want them to fit in, even though we may contradict that when we push them so hard to excel in school, perhaps pushing them to be the best in their class. And there is nothing wrong with pursuing excellence. In fact, we all should, but for what reason?

Do we push our children to be the best so others will accept them or so they stand above the rest so we can smile with pride? Though I don’t explore in my latest EEW article the possibility of planting pride in our children, I do explore whether or not we emphasize their being cool over their being consecrated to the Lord. I praise God that for most of my life I didn’t worry about whether or not I was cool, but more importantly I praise God that He showed me my pride in those years and prompted me not to want to continue to swim in it. My great burden as a recovering strong black woman has been to shake my pride so I wouldn’t embrace being cool but would embrace being consecrated and that I could teach my sons the same. Read my column, which begins below, and let me know here on the blog and at the magazine site what your experience has been balancing the cool and consecration factors in your and your children’s lives.


My Joshua warms my heart. He’s kind, helpful and ultra compassionate. His tender 9-year-old heart finds the good in people whose actions consistently tell you they mean you no good. He’s a little quirky, indulging in the creation of academic worksheets for fun in addition to more traditional pastimes, like playing basketball and reading (especially the Bible). He talks and asks a bunch of questions about history, geography and the Bible. He loves the Bible, thinks he may be a pastor and wants to help just about everyone he sees in need. And he has a habit of falling, being a bit clumsy and somewhat awkward. Perhaps this is just a stage he is going through, but I sometimes worry about him making new friends and navigating other important social situations.

One of my relatives noticed that Joshua is awkward and told another relative that he wanted Joshua to hang with him so he could make him ‘cool.’ I was appalled and ashamed. How could my relative not think Joshua was good enough, that he was okay, perhaps just going through a transitional phase? And what hadn’t my husband and I done to help Joshua fit in so others wouldn’t be offended by his awkward sensibilities? My husband and I long ago had decided that our children being consecrated as opposed to being cool was our goal, but with my relative noticing Joshua’s awkwardness I entertained shifting my emphasis to creating classes on being cool.
I know I’m not alone. As Christian parents, even we want our children to be accepted among their peers. The question for us is, “To what extent do we go to ensure that our children are socially accepted?” Read more by clicking here.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#581-590
Hearing from agent and consultant regarding my book proposal
Tabitha being available to watch the children next week Wednesday and Friday
God waking me up early to spend time with Him
Finishing my blog post before 9 a.m. (and even most of it before taking Joshua to school)
Being conscious of not raising my voice at the children
Another long day with Flynn gone all evening helping me to practice longsuffering and the Fruit of the Spirit
Keeping the kitchen clean
A supportive and comforting husband
A morning nap
Good fellowship with Simone, Tiffany and their children

Friday Feature: Staples in my ‘Raw Food Kitchen’

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Eating healthy can be a hassle if you don’t know where to shop, what to buy or what to make with what you buy. Beginning today and in the coming weeks I will share some of my raw food staples, meal plans and recipes that you might want to incorporate into you food plan. Today I simply share with you what you are likely to always find in my kitchen. If I have these, I can make a variety of meals for about two weeks. What’s also good about most of these foods is that my entire family eats them.

Fruits and Vegetables

1. Apples—For juices, smoothies, desserts and to be eaten alone
2. Oranges—For juices, smoothies and to be eaten alone
3. Bananas—For smoothies, desserts and to be eaten alone
4. Strawberries—For juices, smoothies, desserts and to be eaten alone
5. Lemon—For juices and ingredients in dressings and main dishes
6. Celery—For juices, smoothies and ingredient in main dishes
7. Kale—For juices, smoothies and ingredient in main dishes
8. Cucumbers—For juices, smoothies, toppings and ingredients in main dishes
9. Tomatoes—For juices, toppings and ingredients in main meals
10. Lettuce (usually Romaine)—For juices, smoothies, salads, wraps and ingredient in other main dishes
11. Carrots—For juices, smoothies and ingredients in main dishes
12. Red bell peppers—For ingredients in main dishes
13. Green bell peppers—For juices, smoothies and ingredients in main dishes
14. Onions—For toppings and ingredients in main dishes

Nuts, Seeds and Such

1. Dates—To sweeten protein drinks and desserts and for toppings
2. Brazil Nuts—For milk, protein drinks, dressings and toppings
3. Almonds—For milk, protein drinks and to be eaten alone
4. Cashews—For cheeses, main dishes and to be eaten alone
5. Hemp Seeds—For toppings and to be used in main dishes (I have yet to try in protein drinks, which I hear people do)
6. Sunflower Seeds—For toppings, main dishes and to be eaten alone
7. Garbanzo Beans (Chick Peas)—For toppings and to be used in main dishes
8. Olives—For toppings and to be eaten alone

Condiments and Seasonings

1. Honey—To sweeten drinks and desserts
2. Nutritional Yeast—To add to vegetables, salads and drinks
3. Sea Salt—An ingredient in main dishes
4. Pepper—An ingredient in main dishes
5. Oregano—An ingredient in main dishes
6. Paprika—An ingredient in main dishes
7. Cumin—An ingredient in main dishes
8. Coriander—An ingredient in main dishes
9. Garlic Powder— An ingredient in main dishes
10. Onion Powder— An ingredient in main dishes
11. Olive Oil— An ingredient in drinks, dressings and main dishes
12. Apple Cider Vinegar—An ingredient in drinks, dressings and main dishes
13. Tahini—An ingredient in dressings and main dishes

What are some healthy foods you would like to know more about? What are some healthy foods that you cannot do without?

Defending Marriage as God’s Institution

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What Do You Think? Wednesday

As I stated on my Facebook page Monday, I have been ruminating on President Obama’s announcement of his personal opinion in favor of homosexuals being able to marry. I stated then that I don’t agree with his opinion but believed I needed to say more. As one who writes publicly I believe I need to say publicly more than I disagree. So this post gives some of my early thoughts that I’m sure will develop as I come to conclusions I have not yet reached.

First, this post is first and foremost a Christian’s response (mine) to a fellow Christian (President Obama) with whom I disagree. Second, I want to explore how a personal opinion impacts political decisions. And finally, as I always do, particularly on a What Do You Think? Wednesday, I want to invite you to give me your opinion that may add to the debate (not tear down anyone for their opinions).

“In the beginning God…” (Genesis 1:1). This begins the Christian narrative of creation. God existed before He created anything. When He did, He decided to create the heavens and earth and what would dwell in each and how each would operate. He created land animals, sea animals, plants, trees, insects and other species that fit into some sort of system. He decided how the ecosystem would work. He decided how the family system would work. “And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’” (Genesis 2:22-24). And Jesus repeats this standard in Matthew 19:4-6: “He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Genesis gives us God’s design for marital relationships—between a man and a woman—and Jesus expounds upon this, first repeating the original design and stating that divorce breaks apart God’s intent for men and women coming together in marriage. We know that divorce happens but that doesn’t change what God’s intent is for marriage. As some might believe, God is not speaking in isolated terms in Genesis when he specifies a man and a woman. This mention goes beyond Adam and Eve, as Jesus uses Genesis to make a proclamation of God’s doing, His putting a man and woman together. So, by application, divorce is not just individuals separating from one another but individuals separating—tearing apart—the original meaning of marriage to make it something new. “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6b). I believe redefining marriage is a tearing apart of God’s original intent for His institution therefore I do not and cannot support homosexual marriage.

And though I have used the narrative of the creator defining how His creation is to be from the Bible, the Christian’s guidebook, this is not a narrative limited to Christianity. As a Christian who believes all Scripture was given by inspiration of God and is beneficial for instruction in righteousness and that God desires that no man should perish, I believe His word and the intent of His word is applicable to all mankind (2 Timothy 3:16; 2 Peter 3:9). As a Christian who recognizes the authority of my creator over my life and the life of all mankind that He created, I believe I must follow His intentions and not my opinions, whatever they may be. Sure, God created us with free will, but He wants us to freely choose the best that He has for us. There are deadly consequences when we don’t choose what He wants for us (Deuteronomy 30). These consequences are not just for individual participants, but God doesn’t approve of people approving others who choose opposite of what He would want (Romans 1:32).

Though I don’t agree with President Obama’s support for gay marriage, I am not yet clear how my disagreement affects my support of him or any candidate who supports gay marriage or any other issue with which I disagree. I am well aware of the latest cliché “Obama is the president not the pastor of the United States.” Actually, this statement is not entirely true. Any individual put in charge of anything has been given the job of shepherding (pastoring) their responsibility. President Obama has been given the responsibility of shepherding the nation and thus the people that comprise the nation. He is to defend the constitution,which still has the Defense of Marriage Act and uphold the laws of the land, including the Defense of Marriage Act that defines marriage as between a man and a woman.

With that in mind, how much of an impact do personal opinions impact the job of shepherding and, therefore, affect the sheep? I know my personal opinions impact how I shepherd those under my leadership. I also know that my opinions impact how I support someone, including casting a vote in favor of political candidates. I know that it’s unlikely that I will agree with every decision a candidate makes. This is true in marriage or any relationship any of us has. We—I—just have to decide what issues are deal breakers. Can a candidate’s personal opinion translate into political policy? It could. With Mitt Romney as a Mormon, a member of a cult, and one whose business practices clearly seem to economically and otherwise disenfranchise those less fortunate than he, and President Obama who seems to have opinions and actions based mostly on political expediency, I am in a quandary. I have prayed and am committed to praying as to who will have my vote. I want to be in God’s will not my own. And only God can guide me in that way.

What do you think about President Obama’s support of gay marriage? Does his opinion affect your opinion of him? If so, how? Should a candidate’s support of gay marriage cause you not to support that person? Please, tell me what you think.

Holding On in Your Holding Pattern

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Saturday a dear sister in Christ told me she felt like she was in a holding pattern. She has been waiting for this promise the Lord gave her but it has yet to come to pass. She has begun to wonder if what was promised is really for her, if she heard right and if she needs to look somewhere else. I know this feeling. For one promise in particular, I have been in a holding pattern for 10 years. Over these 10 years God has shown me the depth of my pride, that deep-seeded section of my heart that masked itself as a subtle part of my personality. Others could see my actions or hear my words and not immediately see it was pride. But man sees the outward appearance; God sees the heart and knows so well how wicked it can be (1 Samuel 16:7; Jeremiah 17:9). While in my holding pattern, I have had an eagle’s eye view of my sin and the wreckage it would cause if I had landed in my new season prematurely. Over these 10 years God has given me several words to help me succeed in my coming season. As my season is coming to an end, I recognize these words as the foundation on which I will land and continue to stand firm on when I get to my next level. Holding patterns can be frustrating: They make you antsy; they make you doubt; they may make you fear, but they are good.

When pilots keep the plane mid-air they announce that they must remain in the air until they are cleared for landing. The weather may be bad, there might be too many planes on the tarmac or the air traffic controllers may be busy guiding other planes. Whatever the issue, pilots keep planes in a holding pattern because it’s not safe to land. When you are in a holding pattern, it’s not safe for you to land in your new season. And God, the pilot of our lives, will tell us why it’s not safe for us to land. We may have pride issues, procrastination problems, fear of man issues, integrity problems, unhealthy competition in our character, or a lack of love. But God is saying “I am the author and finisher of your faith. I will complete the perfect work I began in you and put in you before the foundation of the earth. You will succeed if you just trust and believe in me. So take heed.”

So while you are in your holding pattern I want you to hold on by serving the Lord with gladness (Psalm 100:2). Whatever work God has you doing while waiting, you can complete the work with a joyful heart. While in your holding pattern don’t complain about being in a holding pattern, examine your heart for sin issues that will directly affect your new season and work on changing, serve others as you would have them to serve you and speak well of your present season. The season is ordained and, as such, is reason to be glad.

God wants us to be safe. Let’s praise and thank God that He knows His business and a part of His business is guiding us to safely land where He created us to be. And sometimes His guiding includes holding patterns.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#571-580
Flynn buying dinner so I wouldn’t have to cook
Nate’s concern about Josh’s hurting toe
Getting showered and dressed before taking Joshua to school
Nate and Joshua hugging
Getting Joshua to school by 7:30 a.m.
Justus hiding Joshua’s deodorant and laughing about it when Justus tried to take it from under his body (the hiding place)
God helping me to see His good prominently in three ways over the last two days: 1) Reading about and hearing Psalm 18 within one hour of each other; 2) Receiving flowers in the midst of chaos; 3) God’s reminding me that the consequence of one of my sins could be worse
A two and a half hour nap
Productive social media activity
A quick, easy and tasty dinner