Control | Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman

Like Florida Evans I, too, lost it. One day I realized that a loved one had died, and I could no longer hold it together. Some years ago, in uncharacteristic fashion (like Florida Evans cursing after her husband, James, died), I wanted to die. My loved one wasn’t my spouse or a child, but she was the strong black woman inside me whose strength had waned and had left me depleted and hopeless.

Yes, I was on The List (see previous blog), and I couldn’t keep being all these things to satisfy the role of a strong black woman. Being a strong black woman is tough, so I had to give up the job and get off the list by allowing her to die. Her death grieved me, but even in my mourning I know it was for the best.

I know that I’m not alone. What was your moment of awakening? When did you realize that the strong black woman in you had to die? Do you still love her and still have her? I want to hear you all, no matter what your perspective.

My pledge was to publish this blog at least three times a week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I never got to publish this Wednesday. I had my day planned perfectly: Get up and spend time with God; help my husband with the children before having lunch with a friend; have lunch with a friend; get home in time to receive other friends who were coming to visit; and then post my blog. But I never got to publish Wednesday because my neighborhood had a power outage while my friends were visiting. The time was about 4 p.m.

I couldn’t type, I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t see. We lit candles, but the house was getting cold and our stomachs were hungry. We left to get food and to hang out at my sister’s. Right after we picked up our food we talked to a neighbor who said the lights had just come back on about five minutes before. The time was 8 p.m. We went on to my sister’s to eat and to help them with their new home. Without access to a computer Wednesday went by without a post. Only in my second week of blogging, and I was veered from my plans. As a recovering strong black woman you know I didn’t like things not going as planned. But I had to accept that the circumstances were out of my control.

I asked you in the last post to write what your definition of a strong black woman is. Since no one started the discussion with a definition I will. I see her as one viewed to have everything in control even when chaos comes her way. She has a plan and works it. And if that plan doesn’t work she’ll try the next plan that’s in the hopper. What do you think about my definition? I look to hear from you.

Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman

Category Archives: Control

Losing It

Out of Control